I lied
by yourperfecttome
Summary: Blaine/Rachel - just a one-shot of Blaine debating his feelings over Rachel. My first fanfic in about five years so please read :


**Okay so this is my *first* fic after being absent on this website for... five years. Gaaah. Feeling old right about now. :( Because I live in England, we're behind on Glee and I haven't been cheekily watching it on the internet like I normally do because I'm LOVIN' Puck in HD. Nom. Anyway, I was inspired by the Blaine/Rachel drunken kiss and then DEVESTATED when he they kissed at the end and he said he was gay! What the eff! Nothing against Kurt but bleugh. Wasn't a smooth move, not gonna lie. Anyway, this is basically just a One-Shot, of Blaine, wallowing over Rachel. Totally AU I suppose to, since Blaine's actually gay, and all. It's a little wobbley, and scatty, because I'm just getting back into the swing of writing (I hope) so if you could read and review and tell me what you think it would be really helpful. :) Nice comments only. Anyways, enjoy fellow fanficers! :)**

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><p>"<em>Huh. Yep. I'm gay. One hundred per cent gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me Rachel!"<em>

It was like someone had recorded what I had said, inserted the tape in my brain and then put it on repeat to purposely mock me. It was like they filmed me as well; like I was looking onto the scene just after Rachel bombarded me with the surprise yet sober kiss. I saw my fake smile as I told her I was gay. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kurt, relishing in happiness. Once I caught a glimpse of that I just knew I couldn't go back to see him, I couldn't even face Rachel, for god sake. Which was why I said I had to go to the restroom. Another lie. They were just rolling off my tongue like a mean girls word vomit and I couldn't stop them. Was it because I iwanted/i to be gay? Was it because, if I was gay, it would be easier for me? I was Blaine; I sang, and I went to an all-boys school. The stereotype was practically dripping off of me. All I had to do now was moisturise day and night and then… well then I'd be Kurt.

Kurt.

Oh god. I'd hurt him so much already. Was that why I had lied to Rachel? Lied about the kiss, about my feelings? He was broken when he found out that he wasn't the one I was serenading. And I hadn't even realised that he wanted to be, you know, the one. And then with mine and Rachel's drunken kiss. His prima donna fit confirmed the obvious. And yeah, I was mad at him. Because who was he to tell me how I felt? Just because he knew he was one hundred per cent gay, it didn't mean I was! I could hardly call myself gay, considering I hadn't… had a boyfriend. I just knew that I liked guys. But since Rachel… I liked Rachel. I liked the way her lips felt against mine and I liked the way that I felt when I was with her. We had so much in common and it was so easy, so easy to just be _Blaine_ around her. I didn't have to be Blaine-the-Warbler, or Blaine-the-gay-one. I could just be Blaine. And I liked that.

Kurt was my friend. He was one of my best friends and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, but lying? Lying was going to hurt him a hell of a lot more than telling the truth. Sure, he'd be devastated that I liked Rachel, he opened up to me, and told me about how she always took the leads which he wanted, the guys that he liked… and I guess now I was that guy.

I could apologise?

No, Blaine. How can you apologise for how you feel? The heart wants what the heart wants, no one can deny that. Not even Kurt.

But if I continuously lied – a habit that seemed to come so easily to me the past few days – then he'd be thinking he had hope. He'd keep falling harder and harder for me and I wouldn't be there to catch him. Because I couldn't. Not when my mind was going; _Rachel Berry Rachel Berry Rachel Berry_.

I think I must have sat on my bed, head in hands for the rest of the day and most of the night. I'd skipped out, after my little "I need to use the restroom, save my seat Rachel," episode. Because I couldn't bear to sit in-between Rachel, and Kurt. It would just be oozing with awkwardness, and the awkwardness would mainly be coming from me. So, I'd come home. Obviously, I had twenty one missed calls from Kurt, but I couldn't listen to him laughing, joking, and saying how he was right all along and how the intoxication had affected my feelings. How could he be so naïve; the truth always come out when your drunk.

What was I even doing? Sitting in my room, head in hands, wallowing in my own self-pity over the mess that my life had become? I couldn't convince myself I was gay – I tried. I had tried all damn afternoon. I thought if I told myself enough that I was gay, that I liked guys, it would be real. But it wasn't. That little voice that was screaming 'Rachel Berry' over and over again in my head was drowning me out. I was fighting with myself.

Snap out of it!

I sat up straight, and for the first time in five hours I got up off of my bed and walked over to my desk. I picked up my phone, which I had left on silent on the other side of the room to me because Kurt's continuous dialling was becoming a habit in the last few hours. I pressed the red button, to dodge yet another Kurt-call, and then let my fingers move swiftly of their own accord over the buttons, pulling up my phonebook and then flicking through my contacts before reaching the 'B' section. I liked to have my phone book alphabetized by last names. I took a deep breath. I knew what I had to do. I was a goody goody, I had a sick feeling in my stomach because I hadn't told the truth earlier, and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight because of it, and because of the fact she was all I could think about. The ringing sounded once. Twice. Three times.

She was killing me. Was this on purpose? Oh god, was she mad that I said I was gay? Did she actually like me? Was she looking down at her phone right now and thinking 'Urgh, it's that Blaine jerk who I turned gay' and dodge my call, just like I was dodging Kurt's?

A fourth time.

Come on Berry, answer the damn phone! I know you're as nosey as hell!

Even my subconscious had become agessive. I figited on the spot, nervous, yet unable to keep still. The dialling tone sounded for a fifth time. Dammit, if that girl left it any longer it would go straight to answerphone and I'd have to make up some big fat lie on why I was ringing.

But hey, lying was my new thing, right?

I rolled my eyes, and after the six time I realised there was no use, and just as I was about to hang up and call it quits, and return to my hole of misery to devise another plan on how I could turn Kurt down gently – maybe I could just say he wasn't my type? That wasn't exactly a lie – the familiar, annoying, yet positively sweet voice that made all my senses tingle echoed down the other line.

"Hello, Blaine?" Rachel's voice was almost as good to listen to when she was just talking as it was when she was singing. Her tone had a slight edge to it, like she was confused at why I was ringing. Oh god, maybe she thought I was going to mock her. What if I asked her out again and she thought I was just taking the mick?

"Rach, hey. Listen, I-" I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. There was an awkward tension from the other end of the line which I knew that Rachel was sitting there, in her room, waiting for the reason on why I was calling her.

What could I say? APRIL FOOLS, I'M NOT GAY?

I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity and realised that I was leaving the silence for too long.

"I lied, Rachel. Earlier, after you kissed me. I lied because I thought it would be easier to be someone that I'm not. But it isn't, and it's not who I want to be. I don't want to be this person that pretends just to please everyone else. I want to do something for ime/i for once, and I guess that's why I'm calling you in the middle of the night. I'm sorry if I embarrassed you with what I said, but our first kiss – that wasn't just any old drunken spin-the-bottle-kiss. There were fireworks, Rachel Berry. And I know you felt it too. Underneath the alcohol consumption, there was something more. And maybe when you sprung that kiss on me earlier I was caught off guard, and taken by surprised and maybe I was just embarrassed about _kissing_ in front of people… I'm not one for PDA and… and I'm babbling." I sighed again, worried that she hadn't said anything and embarrassed that I was talking extremely fast because that was something that always happened to me when I was nervous. "And maybe this call is completely pointless because you're in New Directions and I'm in the Warblers but I knew if I didn't call you and tell you how I felt then I'd regret it for the rest of my life and be replaying the 'what if's' in my head. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I lied about being gay because I wanted to take the easy way out. I didn't want to experience the pain and heartbreak that is broadcasted everywhere. But you made me realise I don't want the easy way out. Not if the easy way out doesn't involve you. I want you, Rachel Berry. Not Kurt, or not any other guy for that matter. I just want you."


End file.
